


Winning Gold in Your Heart

by Onceyourempire



Series: Medals of the Heart [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Mutual Pining, ive been wriging for hours whats happening what day is it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 16:35:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7809217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onceyourempire/pseuds/Onceyourempire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>love is stupid.</p><p>happiness is admitting</p><p>we aren't better than stupid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Winning Gold in Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> You don't NEED to read the first part in this series to get this, I think, but you can! Keep in mind I wrote it right after Into Darkness came out, and therefore the quality jump is probably noticeable. I couldn't say bc im too scared to go back and read it. Yikes. Anyway, description is from this http://asofterstartrek.tumblr.com/post/137846097073/dare-to-be-stupid bc im still a big ol sucker for asofterstartrek

☆

“He’s dead.” Chapel tells Leonard. “Doc, he’s dead. It’s not working.”

“Give it time.” He tells her, and he tries to sound like he’s not pleading. “It’s only been a few hours.”

“Long enough for rigor mortis to set in --”

“But it hasn’t.” He snaps, and Chapel frowns. Leonard closes his eyes tight. It’s not her fault. She’s a good nurse, and a good friend. It’s not her fault that she sounds so damn reasonable. He takes a deep breath, in and out, and tries again.

“He’s still movable.” Leonard says, and walks to the bed where Jim lays. He gently holds Jim’s jaw and moves it from side to side. “It would have set in the face by now, right? But it hasn’t.”

“Leonard --” She starts, then stops. She doesn’t begin again, and Leon looks up from Jim’s face. She’s just watching them, face scrunched up. She looks sad and tired, and Leonard thinks she probably just wants to grieve. She’s convinced Jim’s dead, but there’s flecks of hope that are keeping her here with Leonard in med bay. Everyone else has scattered, beginning the cleanup that’s going to span at least a year. Everyone’s lost someone today. Leonard realizes he doesn’t know if Chapel’s family has heard from her. Do they know she’s alive?

“Go home, Christine. I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

“I’m not leaving you alone.”

“I’m fine.”

She snorts, squints at him, slaps her hands clean on her uniform.

“I’m going to make coffee. I’ll be right back.” She turns and leaves the med bay, heeled boots clacking sharply. He hears her run into debris in the hall and swear. He huffs a laugh, and looks back at Jim’s face.

There’s no livor mortis, as far as he can tell. There’s bruises, but he’s sure those are pre-mortem. Leonard sucks his teeth. He can tell he’s picking apart symptoms and visual signifiers with a doctor’s eye, trying to put space between the body (the man) on the bed and his own soft heart. It’s funny, using all these scientific words and jargon to try and justify to himself that Jim’s alive, and at the same time using them to pretend that this is just some other person. Someone he doesn’t know. Someone he doesn’t --

Chapel comes back in and nudges a mug into his hands.

“No livor mortis.” She comments, and takes a sip. “We’d definitely see that by now.”  
The heart monitor beeps.

☆

There’s two weeks between when the heart monitor finally picks up Jim’s heartbeat and Jim actually waking up. It’s just enough time to Leonard to put together a facade that he wasn’t sobbing his eyes out over Jim’s dead body. Just another day in the adventures of Jim Kirk Fucking Up and Leonard McCoy Putting Him Back Together. It’s normal.

Jim startles awake right as Leonard prepares to scan his head. They were worried about the effect temporary death would have on Jim’s mental functionality, but his brain has been having average outputs since his heart started again. They hadn’t scanned his brain while he had been declared dead -- perhaps his brain was still running? That seems impossible, but there’s not a lot of other explanations right now.

Jim swallows, and Leonard turns around.

“Don’t be so melodramatic,” He says, lifting the scanner, “You were barely dead.” The scanner reads as normal, again. Interesting. No traces of radiation either. “It was the transfusion that really took its toll. You were out for two weeks.”

“Transfusion?” Jim croaks. He looks washed out, but Leonard and the veritable army of doctors Starfleet has handed him have surmised that given activity and more time, he’ll return to his normal color.

Leonard begins his vitals checks. “Your cells were heavily irradiated. We had no choice.”

Though they did, he knows they did. They could have let him die a martyr, a hero for the history books. He looks down at the screen in his hand, reads the numbers. No choice.

“Khan.” Jim says, and when Leonard turns back Jim is looking at him like he’s never really look at Leonard in his life, like he’s totally new. He shrugs it off and begins to explain what happened. He doesn’t go into too much detail. He knows Spock’s behind him, waiting for his turn. 

Jim looks at Spock like he’s brand new too, and Leonard rolls his eyes. He can’t help but sneak in a quip when Jim expresses his gratitude to Spock. He’s glad they’ve grown closer, because Spock is a good foil for Jim’s sometimes reckless behavior and he’s tired of being the only one saying slow down, wait up, don’t, think for once. He makes eye contact with Spock when he straightens up from his last vitals check. Spock gives him a shadow of a smile. 

“I’ll leave you to your patient, Doctor.” 

Leonard waves him off, and Spock nods and makes his exit.  
“Look at you two.” Jim says, grinning up at him, “It’s almost like you get along.”

Leonard scoffs and makes some offhand comment about liking and respect and lack of both. 

Jim doesn’t know that Spock’s been there almost every night since they moved him to this ward. He asked questions about the process of transfusion, sat next to the desk Leonard’s set up and warily watched all entrances while Leonard poured through the medical histories of everyone on the Enterprise crew currently in the hospital. They both feel responsible, for the crew and for Jim. They aren’t friends -- not yet. Leonard thinks they could get there. 

He taps on his datapad to file all his scans into Jim’s medical folder.

“I’ll be back to check on you in an hour,” he says, cracking his back and heading for the door, “But if you get into trouble before then, Chapel should be around. Don’t heckle her too much.”

“Bones.” Jim’s grin is gone, and the look of wonder is back on his face. “Thank you.”

Leonard smiles, wide and relieved, and doesn’t even try to hide it. 

“Didn’t have a choice, Jim.”

 

☆

 

“I should have let you die.” Leonard yells at Jim over the roaring of the radiation storm. They managed to dive into narrow cave right before it hit, but the cover won’t help them for much longer.

Jim laughs, wild and free, and claps Leonard on the shoulder. He then hooks a heavily modified gas mask over his face and wraps his body in the cloak provided by the race living on this hellpit of a planet.

“You signed up for the mission, Bones! You coulda said no!” He flips a mask to Leonard. 

“And left you to face the horrors of space by yourself?” Leonard snaps back, pulling the hood of the cloak up.

He watches Jim’s back. I would follow you anywhere, he thinks, and when Jim turns and offers him a hand to help him up out of the cave, he takes it.

 

☆

“Don’t.” Leonard says, horrified.

“Doctor, I am simply stating --”

“Spock,” Leonard stands slowly, “Don’t.”

Spock purses his lips. “Nurse Chapel simply asked me to intervene. It seems logical that I would help, considering my place as Jim’s friend. My ability as someone in a long term romantic relationship would also allow me to --” 

“I don’t,” Leonard grits out, “need help.”

“I am not saying that.” Spock replies, doing a very poor job of convincing Leonard that is not exactly what he was saying, “I am just offering advice should you want it. I have been in your position myself.”

“Are you telling me Uhura didn’t ask you out first?”

“That seems irrelevant.”

“Spock. As much as I want to pretend I appreciate the offer, I don’t.” Leonard gestures at the door, “Get out.”

Spock sighs through his nose. He also doesn’t move from his position in front of Leonard’s desk.

“You have been friends with Jim for many years. It is reasonable to be afraid of ruining that friendship.” Spock says carefully, lowering himself into a chair opposite Leonard.

Leonard drops back into his own chair and rubs his eyes. There is no escape. Maybe engineering will have another minor emergency. Scotty’s been running a fairly tight ship down there after the last incident, but that has to end sometime.

“We are also all together on this ship for another four years.” Spock continues, then looks at Leonard for a response. Great.

“Really? I had no idea. Time just flies out here in the vacuum of space.” Leonard leans back and takes a good look at Spock. He looks as uncomfortable as Leonard feels, but knowing Spock, he has no clue how to get to his point faster without help. “What are you trying to say, Spock?”

“I believe it would be unwise to spend the next four years holding in such strong emotions. The long term effects could be detrimental to your emotional well being.”

“What do you care for my emotional well being?”

Spock takes his time to reply, allowing Leonard to return to the minor emergency fantasy. Only a small explosion. Nothing life-threatening.

“Your health, be it mental, emotional, or physical, is important to the efficiency of the ship and its crew.” Spock finally says.

“Because I’m the C.M.O.” Leonard says, squinting, “You want me to tell Jim I love him because I’ll be a better doctor if I don’t have that as a ‘distraction’? That’s only a little insulting, Spock.”

“That is true” Spock replies, breezing past the insult, “But also because your happiness is important to Jim. If you are free of a burden, it will not weigh on Jim.”

Ah.

“You want me to tell him because you think --” Leonard puts his hands flat on his desk and does two deep breaths. “If I am not holding this in, he won’t worry about me being upset about something, and then he’ll be happy. Is that right?”

“Yes.” Spock looks relieved.

“You assume that what I have to tell him won’t make him upset.” Leonard points out, standing up again.

Spock smiles and stands with him.

“Perhaps. I have yet to see you upset him, Doctor. I doubt this will change in the future.”

A call comes over the intercom. It seems there’s been a small explosion in Engineering, and Medical needs to prepare for two humans with non-life threatening injuries.

Spock’s out the door before Leonard can ask him to leave.

Chapel walks in and winks before setting up two exam tables. Leonard gives her a glare and turns away to prep burn supplies. His hands are sweaty and shaking, very slightly.

 

☆

Leonard’s in the driver’s seat of an alien two-person craft, Spock’s actually trying to backseat drive him, and the main thing on his mind is seeing Jim hurtling towards a veritable cannon that will shoot him out into the empty black of space. 

Not again, he thinks. I can’t follow you there.

He drops down hard and just barely manages to catch Jim on the top of the bee. Spock drags Jim inside and Leonard pulls away as fast as possible. Spock’s getting the credit for saving his ass again, and Leonard doesn’t even care. Classical music is ringing in his ears, Jim is alive, and he still has no idea how to land this thing. 

He laughs, and points the nose homewards.

 

☆

They watch their ship get rebuilt, shoulder to shoulder. Walking inside for the first time with Jim and Spock at his side feels familiar and safe in a way he hasn’t felt in a long time.

He never thought of the Enterprise as home before, but there's no better word to describe the feeling in his chest and his stomach when he enters the new medbay. Jim ducks in, eyes squinting because of how wide his smile is, and drags him to the command deck.

“Look at it, Bones! Just like it was before.”

“Well,” Sulu cuts in, looking up from his console, “They actually updated some of the flight and weapons systems, Captain. She’s better than before.” Chekov is practically vibrating with excitement as he taps away at his screen.

Jim wraps an arm around Leonard’s shoulders. “She was always the best, Mister Sulu. She had us, after all.” He looks at Leonard and winks. Leonard laughs and slaps Jim’s side.

 

☆

“Bones.” Jim says, and Leonard barely looks up from his datapad. Joanna is thinking of pursuing either the engineering or medical tracks at Starfleet and her most recent email is full of questions about academy life and the differences between the two tracks and does he even like it or is he just sticking around for Uncle Jim and Spock and Miss Christine? He can’t decide if he should forward the email to Scotty or Jayla -- maybe both?

“Bones.” Jim repeats, sounding stressed, and Leonard actually puts his datapad down.

“Jim.” he says, mocking the intonation, “I thought you were doing logs. What are you doing down here?”

Jim looks pale, and there’s a sudden spike of anxiety in Leonard’s chest. It’s been 5 years since the transfusion, but maybe there’s long term effects they didn’t know about. Jim just had his yearly, but maybe it came up suddenly. He doesn’t seem to have trouble sitting down, so probably no dizziness. It’s weird that he’s sitting on an exam table instead of on Leonard’s desk or in a chair near it, like he normally does. It has to be a medical concern then. Leonard stands up.

“What’s the problem?” Leonard asks, striding forward and searching for his tricorder. His brain has kicked into doctor mode, spinning through the past few days and the yearly exam to try and come up with anything unusual.

“Nothing, nothing,” Jim laughs, reaching a hand out to grab Leonard’s before he picks up the tricorder, “You worry so much. I just wanted to talk.”

Leonard squeezes his hand before releasing it, leaning against the exam table. 

“About?”

Jim taps his fingers rhythmically against the table.

“Our mission only has a year left.” He says slowly, sneaking a glance at Leonard.

“Thank god.” Leonard drawls. Jim doesn’t laugh.

“Do you know what you’re doing when we come back home?” Jim looks at him now, and Leonard can see the crinkle of his nose. He’s worried about what Leonard is doing, of all things? 

“I was thinking of staying on at one of the Fleet hospitals planetside. Joanna wants to go to the academy. I’d like to be close to her.” He replies, straightening up, “Hadn’t thought about it much, honestly. Obviously it’s been worrying you.”

“I just, “ Jim sighs, “I want to keep flying.”

“Okay. I doubt they’d want to ground you, seeing as you’re Starfleet’s Golden Boy.”

“No, it’s not -- I don’t --” Jim rubs his face with both hands. “I don’t want to be separated from you.”

Leonard puts a hand on Jim’s knee and squeezes. The thought of being apart does more to Leonard then he would say, makes his throat and chest get tight, but Jim? He always thought Jim would soldier through it. 

But he isn’t. He’s looking at Leonard and his eyes are a little red and when he puts his hand over Leonard’s it’s wet with tears.

“I didn’t ever think you wouldn’t be here.” Jim says, “All these years. I always assumed you’d go with me. I can’t ask that of you anymore. I don’t want to ask you, you’ve already followed me for so long and it’s not fair for me to keep --” He takes a deep breath and does a vague gesture with his free hand, “Asking? I don’t want to make you do this anymore.” He slaps his hand down on his other knee for emphasis. “I don’t know.” He grimaces. “That’s not true. Obviously I do know.”

“Okay, okay.” Leonard cuts him off. “Jim. We’ll work it out. You want to fly? Fine. I won’t do long missions anymore, but --”

“No, come on.” Jim lets go of his hand and hops off the exam table. “You said you want to stay planetside. Don’t put aside what you want just because I want something else.”

“Fine. Okay.” Leonard crosses his arms. “Then you fly, and I won’t. It’s not like we can’t keep in touch.”

Jim won’t turn to face him. He stands with his back to Leonard, hands on his hips.

“Jim.”

“Sorry, I’m --” Jim’s voice cracks slightly, “Okay, give me a minute.”

“Jesus, Jim, what’s going on?”

Jim doesn’t answer the question, just makes another vague hand gesture and says “Just -- just hold on.”

Leonard waits.

When Jim turns around, his eyes are redder and his jaw is tense.

“I love you.” He says, and closes his eyes like he’s waiting for impact.

“Jesus.” Leonard says.

“Thanks, Bones. Love to hear that.” Jim’s eyes are still closed, but now he’s frowning.

It’s stuck in his chest. He’s so happy, and scared, and he wants to cry, and he can’t say anything. He held it in for so long that now he doesn’t know if he can get it out. He wants to move forward and kiss Jim and laugh and kiss his hands but he can’t move at all.

He chokes.

Jim opens his eyes, and looks at Leonard like he’s never seen him before.

“Bones?”

Leonard takes in a shuddering breath, and tries to say something. He can’t.

Jim moves forward and pulls Leonard into a hug, an arm around his shoulders and one hand pulling Leonard’s head into his shoulder.

“I got you, Bones” and he’s laughing shakily. Jim presses his face into Leonard’s neck and Leonard finally wraps his arms around Jim’s waist.

“We’re stupid?” Jim says, the lilt at the end making Leonard laugh, “God Bones, we’re stupid.”

“I love you.” Leonard croaks out.

“I love you.” Jim says back.

“You’re going to fly?” Leonard says, before kissing Jim’s jaw. His heart pounds.

“Are you going to be there when I land?”

“I’m coming with you.” Jim laughs again.

“You do realize I’ll fly for as long as they’ll let me.”

“You’re a moron.” Leonard kisses his temple next, and his heart doesn’t pound quite so harshly.

“You just hate flying.” Jim says and when he kisses Leonard on the mouth, his chest doesn’t hurt at all.

“Death and disease.”

“Then why come? I’d miss you, but I don’t want to be selfish either”

“I don’t trust any other doctor to patch your sorry ass up.”

Jim kisses him again. “You love me.”

“Against my better judgement.” Leonard says, kissing him back.

 

☆

 

“Spock tried to get you to tell me you loved me?”

“It was bad.”

Jim laughs so loud it startles Chekov, who nearly knocks the ship out of warp. Jim laughs again, apologizing to the entire command deck. 

Leonard sighs, and squeezes their intertwined hands. 

 

☆

**Author's Note:**

> "Vandal" you speak up, "Don't you have multiple projects you should be working on? What are you doing writing a continuation of a fic you wrote literal years ago?"
> 
> "I don't know." I reply, staring at my own hands
> 
> "Is this even beta read?" you ask, suddenly terrified
> 
> I laugh, exhausted. No one can stop me.


End file.
